This is part of a series of talks by Venerable Chodron. I am posting the notes that I took down from all those that I attended. I found this 2 part talk one of the best talks that as it is on what many of us struggle with. The talk is based on Chapter 6 of "A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life" by Shantideva. It is very insightful as it reasons with and questions our unreasonable mind.
Part 1
Jealousy is being unable to tolerate other people's success but has nothing to do with us. Somehow we can't stand people being a little happier or talented, when it has nothing to do with us. Why are we made jealous when someone we take care of becomes happy and able to take care of themselves? What about our wish for others to be happy?It's caring about ourselves and letting others suffer. Why does it matter if my enemy gets something? Even if they didn't we don't get anything either. Why do we destroy our good qualities by being angry? Anger is the real enemy not the other person or ourselves. We don't have remorse for our negativities but find ways to justify them.
"Even if your enemy was made unhappy or suffer as you wish, what is there for you to be joyful about? Your merely wishing for them to be hurt did not cause them to be injured."
If our enemies were happy they won't do the things we don't like. They hurt us because they're unhappy. So we must especially wish them to be happy.
What kind of person are we that we rejoice when someone else suffers? It doesn't explain good character, does it?
"Our disturbing conceptions are like a fish being caught on a hook and we are gonna be cooked." Our jealousy harms ourselves much more than it harms others. It can even drive us to kill the one we love.
We all want praise but will not give us merit. What good does it do to us? What benefit do we derive? Merit is what's truly beneficial at death. It doesn't give us strength, freedom from sickness, prolong our lives, save us from death and lower realms, doesn't help us practise and get closer to enlightenment. Being famous has consequences too; celebrities can't even walk down the street in peace.
If I just want a little happiness these desires won't be important. We won't prioritise things like praise.
What good does it do if we die doing sth amazing eg jump off a plane in the stratosphere to get fame? What do mere words do for us when we are dead? After we are dead how are we benefitted even if the whole world acknowledges and praises us?
When our praise and reputation decline we howl like a child when their sand castles collapse. We put so much energy into being rich and famous. When it collapses we feel totally lost. 1 person criticizes us and we can fall apart. Why do we get so upset when 1 person criticizes us? Why do we get so much more upset and caught up with that than someone getting beheaded?
Sounds are inanimate so they can't praise me. But it is fine as other people are happy to give me praise. But I am not benefitted by this because their happiness belongs to them and doesn't affect me. And if that's the case if they praise our enemy we should be happy too. And so I should be happy when others are happy, why am I unhappy when they get pleasure? Happiness that arises from thinking I'm being praised is invalid and is the behaviour of a child.
Do we like people who rejoice in others' suffering? We won't respect them. Someone who beheads another person is really sadistic. So is someone who rejoices when people are sick, miserable, divorced etc. We don't respect them. So we shouldn't respect ourselves when we hold grudges, want other to suffer and rejoice in their suffering.
Ask ourselves:
1. Do I respect myself?
2. What kind of example am I providing to others when I hold onto grudges? What kind of energy are we sending out? Especially with younger siblings and children.
Fighting and much killing have occurred because centuries ago, their ancestors fought. It's totally stupid. They teach kids to be prejudiced, hate others, and not forgive them for things they did. It is terrible for the younger generation. It is a vicious cycle, grandparents fight, then parents generation fight, and then children don't talk to each other.
3. What is it that I really wanted in that situation? Sometimes what we were mad about isn't what we were wanting. Eg we get mad when someone declines our invitation to a party when they're free. What we wanted was their friendship. It's not necessarily that they're rejecting me there could be another reason. Even if they don't wanna be friends with me there are so many others whom I can be friends with? They're just one person why do we put all our eggs in one basket?
When we feel victimized we are angry because we are hurt. We may have difficulty acknowledging our anger and we blame ourselves. Was that person's feedback accurate? If it's true then we own it. If not no point to be angry. The person could just be in a bad mood and we happen to there. It's the same for us too. Sometimes we don't see it coming and don't see our mistakes. Practise these antidotes when we meditate and apply them to unresolved situations. They'll only work when we get familiar with them.
Be content with the present moment as what is is.
Part 2
The mind may not internalize eg that happiness by being praised is the behaviour of a child. But external conditions are beyond our control.
"Praise and so forth distract me, and also undermine my disillusion with cyclic existence. I start to envy those with good qualities and all the very best is destroyed."
Instead of paying attention to the dhamma we turn our attention to trying to gain praise and approval from others. It distracts us from practising. We start clinging to this trapping us on cyclic existence.
All based on "I want love, appreciation, praise, approval etc", so when other ppl get it but we don't get as much as we think we should, then we get very unhappy and destroy our own happiness.
If attachment to praise makes us do things like being nasty, lying etc, aren't those who destroy our praise helping us to overcome the attachment and overcome creating the cause for the lower rebirths? This is a way to think so we don't get so hurt. Meanwhile they're creating the cause to be reborn in the lower realms for screaming at us. We get the best deal.
It's easy to think of kindness of our friends and relatives, but these people who are difficult they are kind to us by creating the causes for our karma to ripen. Who's kinder to me, the Buddha or the nasty person? The nasty person. To become a Buddha we need to complete the 6 perfections including fortitude. We need to practise fortitude with people who are mean to us and make us upset. Without those people we can't become a Buddha.
I, striving for freedom don't need material gain and honor to be enlightened. It's a distraction. So why be angry with those who free us from that? Eg criticizing us, not respecting us, getting in our way or acquiring possessions?
People who praise us get us attached and bound to cyclic existence.
People can praise to manipulate us and we fall for it. And get angry with the well meaning person who tells us that.
Those who wish to cause us suffering are like Buddhas bestowing waves of blessing as they help us overcome our attachments. It doesn't mean we let them continue to harm us but we can transform the situation instead of being angry.
But what if someone should obstruct us gaining merit? But it's incorrect to be angry. Since there is no fortitude similar to patience, surely I should put it into practice.
"If due to my own failings I'm not patient with the enemy, then it's only I who am preventing myself from practicing this cause to create merit.
If without the enemy, fortitude will not be, and with it, fortitude comes to be, then since the enemy will be the cause of fortitude, then how can we say that the enemy prevents it?"
A beggar is not an obstacle to generosity; we need one to practise it. If I have not injured others before few will cause me harm. My uncontrolled mind started it.
When we think about those who hurt us, we forget about all the dhamma teachings. We remember when others hurt us but have to remind ourselves for everything else.
When we are mad we aren't shy, we yell and scream for the whole world to hear. But we can be shy even to say a few kind words.
I've criticized people so I get criticized. Do I criticize other people more or do I get criticized more? I may criticize many people everyday but may not get criticized everyday.Therefore just like treasure appearing in our house without any effort to obtain it, we should be happy to have enemies as they assist us in our conduct of awakening.
We are so stuck to cyclic existence, but dhamma is the opposite. What makes the least sense to us actually makes the most sense to it.
Because we able to practise patience with those who try to hurt us, they're worthy of being given the very first fruits of my patience. For in this way they are the cause of it. Just like Buddha taught his first sermon to the ascetics although following their practice almost killed him.
Why should we give veneration to those who don't want us to gain fortitude but just criticism? Then why give veneration to the Dhamma when it has no intention to benefit me? It just is. It's a fit cause for practise. That doesn't disqualify them from being objects of our respect.
Our enemies intend to cause us harm, how can we venerate them? But without them we can't practise fortitude. Patience is developed because of someone with a hateful mind. That person should be of veneration just like the dhamma as they're a cause of patience.
When we have anger in our mind, anyone can become an enemy over the slightest thing. To deal with any strong emotion is to practise the antidotes to it in meditation. Take out situations and apply antidotes. Is this person worth destroying my merit? Once we start thinking how good we are we have fallen down.
Can we trust our interpretation of our memories? Is our interpretation correct or not? Practise more and see the distortions and afflictions.
How to forgive people who cause very real harm eg suicide bombers? How's that person thinking? That person is worthy of compassion as their minds are completely messed up. We can stop them without hating them.
There are people whom we respect sometimes and don't respect sometimes. We don't like being told what to do even if it's good advice, or don't agree with the advice. Just nod and say thank you, I'll consider that.
If something can be changed, there is no reason to be angry as we can change it. If something can't be changed, no reason to be angry as we can't change it. Stop biting the hook of a naggy person. Instead of focusing on anger, focus on what we are doing. Can make a joke about it. Eg I'm flat footed like Donald Duck. You can't put heels on Donald Duck.
Complaining about bosses, it goes against compassion. Being a boss you have to be a sponge for negativity and no one has compassion for you. It's not easy.
A person may do despicable actions but is capable of doing good. Everyone has the Buddha nature. We try to separate the person and the action. If we think of the worst thing you did in your whole life, would we want to be judged by that? We know we are not the action and have done things that are worthwhile and good.
When we say someone is evil we put them in a category and throw them away. They cease to be human beings with feelings and the Buddha nature.
If we have strong attachment and get really uncontrolled, don't go anywhere near that object like porn. Eg put child controls on every device.
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